United By Haircuts

Chapter One: Observations in the Hipster Culture


When you greet a hipster, or a group of hipsters, they will comment on first your hairstyle and how ironic and/or not ironic it is. Don’t worry if it doesn’t seem ironic to you, they always spin things to make them ironic in their own minds. They will then proceed to compare it to their own hairstyle and divulge what image they were going for when they chose it. Your new hipster friend will direct the conversation to the person who cut their hair, always calling their stylist by first name (and more commonly their pseudonym, kind of like DJs) and assure you that they will put a good word in so you can start getting your hair styled by a true hair genius.

Now on to your clothes, or “outfit,” your hipster will mention how classic, yet modern it is. How you seem to coordinate your wardrobe to best portray a statement that is progressive, yet vintage with a post-modern twist, making it truly ahead of its time. Confusing? Of course it is. Hipsters don’t make sense; they counter their lack of logic by calling it ironic. Irony is what the hipster culture revolves around, that and causes (we’ll get to that later). Irony and their misuse of it, which to them makes it ironic, except not. Still confused? Get used to it, my friend.

With that the conversation will turn toward which artistic direction they themselves were attempting to achieve with their own clothing statement. You see, everything in the life of a hipster is a statement, from their clothes to the way they walk, from their car to the way they decorate their homes. Everything is either a statement about the world or some sort of self-expression.

After said hipster explains his view on…well himself, he will begin talking about the amazing independently owned vintage thrift shops and organic clothing shops in the area. If you’re a hipster you absolutely cannot shop at a corporate department store. Department stores are considered evil because they are very monotonous in their selection, and as a hipster you must be different at all times. The only exceptions to the corporate rule are H&M and Urban Outfitters, because:
Urban Outfitters carries all the latest books and home accessories, as well as vintage looking clothing. They also supported Barack Obama (making them progressive) and are pretty opposed to the conservative, right-wing values of the average hipster’s parents.
H&M supplies hipsters with really cheap, really colorful clothing in many styles, making it easy to mix and match. They also carry “retro” looking band and cartoon shirts.

This entire conversation can only happen if your hairstyle and clothing meets their standard of individuality, artistic expression, and of course if it exhibits some level of irony. If not, said hipster(s), may pretend to hear what you’re saying but whilst you’re speaking they will only be thinking about how they’d like to be away from you because you couldn’t possibly fathom their creative and mental depth. If they say anything to you at all it would be in a very patronizing statement in a condescending tone.


After the visual part of the exam you can then move on to the most interesting subject in the life of a hipster. Themselves. They love to think and talk about how they feel, what they want, where they want to go, where they are currently are in their life, etc. If you stick to asking questions about the hipster you will always seem like a brilliant conversationalist and intellectual.

When you want to engage in further conversation with the hipster the foremost question you should ask is “Are you in school?” and if they say yes ask which one and what their major is, if they say no just ask the same question in past tense. Don’t worry about running into a hipster that never attended college after high school because there aren’t any. Hipsters always go to college, it’s the chrysalis that transforms a nerdy teenager into a hip, cool, and always different young adult. Their freshman year of college is always the most trying because they’ve yet to fall into right crowd, they usually spend it floating from clique to clique before finally embracing the hipster culture. Their sophomore year is when they really begin to emerge into themselves, it’s when they are shown the right music, shops, art, and lifestyles; usually by a hipster in his/her junior or senior year that takes them under their wing.

Once they inform you of their university you really can take the discussion to new levels. Most go to really expensive private universities, or the state or city’s best public one. Don’t ask how they’ve managed to pay for it, it’ll only make you upset because their education (as well as most of their belongings) is generally paid via daddy’s CD or the occasional IRA.

Stick to mentioning how beautiful the city or state they spent their first four years “on their own” is. They always agree and will go on and on about the local, organic, free-trade coffee shops and tea houses they spent their time studying in, and the parks that gave them inspiration for many poems and paintings, then about how they really became a local when they discovered the venues for the local music scene, a scene that nobody really appreciates the way it was meant to be. Nobody, except themselves, and maybe their closest friends.

G20 Day One

My day started off quite well, the bus detour thankfully caused my bus to drop me off closer to my job downtown, which I appreciated because the usual walk uphill at five in the morning totally blows.

I had no trouble getting into work, and moving about within my job even though we were all preparing for the politicians that were staying at our hotel. I thought that this was going to run smoothly and I was pretty busy, making plenty of money to meet my rent goal then out of nowhere I was told there was a chance that I couldn't leave work after my usual eight hour shift because we weren't sure if the delegates would be ordering room service (my current position, I supposed I couldn't keep that a total secret for long) and since my boss is a moron and staggers a two hour period between the end of my shift and the beginning of the other room service person's, I naturally had to stay.

Okay, great, staying an additional two hours sounds fun due to overtime but I had to work my other job and that would make me an hour late for it, plus however long it took for the crazy buses to get me all the way on the other side of Pittsburgh. I'm starting to get a little annoyed with the delegates because honestly, I'd give Madame President all sorts of respect in her country but considering that she's in mine I really feel that I'm better. Mostly because I'm a jerk. Besides, she probably came to power in an underhanded manner like the rest of them.

Alright, five thirty comes, only half an hour late for the other job, perhaps the buses are running smoothly and it'll only be another forty-five minutes or so...but then, there it was on television...STUPID FUCKING PROTESTERS FUCKING UP THE REST OF MY DAY.

Yep, moronic college kids who think they know something about politics, anarchy, and the world decided to confront authorities, in my own neighborhood actually, so I couldn't even get home to get my belongings for my other shift, which I could go without, but I called port authority and after several busy tones I got word that the buses that I catch to get home and to my other job were cut because of protesters in Lawrenceville (where I live), Bloomfield, and Shadyside (where my bus goes through to get to my other job).

Thanks ass holes. You think you were protesting for the poor man? For the working class hero? I couldn't get to work because of you, which means that I lose money, which means I either have to cut back on food consumption for the month or potentially not have enough to pay rent or bills, and of course all my fall/winter clothes don't fit or are all fucked up because I've had the same things for six years, thanks, thanks a lot. Douche bag, idiots.
Then I ran into a girl whose home was right there when the police threw tear gas at you assholes, her house began to fill with gas as well and when I saw her three hours later she was still coughing up a storm.

You couldn't just mind your own business and stay away, could you? Of course not, you like attention way too much. I worked from 5am to 530pm yesterday, on my feet, running around the fucking hotel, lifting heavy things, cleaning nasty messes, being nice to strange politicians and press that I'd rather kick in the teeth and what did you do all day? Probably woke up around noon, shuffled about your dorm or the house in Oakland or Bloomfield that you rented with your four friends and then sauntered down Penn Avenue to cause trouble for people like me who (after my other a while I had to pretty much call off at my other job, hope I don't get fired) were just trying to get home and relax from a long day. Go fuck yourselves, seriously, I wish you had been shot.

Picking Pittsburgh for the G20 was a pretty genius idea because the population is significantly less than London or Seattle so there were like...forty protesters causing trouble on Penn Avenue yesterday. They were especially annoying because they were spouting the most ridiculous propaganda (you know it comes from both sides right?). Anti-Capitalism? Seriously? Is that all you have? This is your moment to get your cowardly-masked faces on national television and down with capitalism is what you have to say? To what do you think your parents owe their prosperity that is paying for your education at Pitt, CMU, or PointPark? On the off chance that you took out some loans how do you think that is made possible? How about your government grants?

Did you grow cotton, turn it into thread and sew your own clothing? What about your cell phones? The food you buy at the Japanese stores in the Strip District? The music you listen to, everything you own, every light switch you turn on, everything you eat and drink pretty much owes its thanks to a few things: Capitalism, Coal/Oil (mostly coal though, contrary to belief), and globalization.

Me personally? I think globalization and world trade are more of an enemy than capitalism. Only because they've gotten so far out of hand and aren't sanctioned that well leaving room for a lot of corruption. Honestly, there is corruption on a lot of levels from trade, to politics, from pharmaceuticals, to insurance and these things will not be remedied through mindless protesting. Corruption on the political scale can only be solved by getting into their political circle and keeping the goodness and selflessness that you currently think you have. Good luck.

Oh yeah, and about the way you idiots broke the windows of the bank and the Boston Market, actually I'm going to lump you in with a note about the idiots who broke the windows of the Starbucks and Apple store on Walnut Street a couple years ago...
Do you really think that the rich CEO of any of those companies even heard about what you did? No, they were vacationing in Maui or something at the time. The only person that it made a difference to was the poor employee making minimum wage that had to clean up the mess you made. Go fuck yourselves.

PS: You protesters owe me 75 bucks for the days work I lost.

Don't forget etiquette

Most of us, save perhaps agoraphobics, eat at restaurants. We are all familiar with our friendly server bustling about happily retrieving things at our whim.

News flash, your server hates you.

She/he hates you because you barely tip, you are rude, you are messy, you change menu items around to the point that they're a mere shadow of what they once were, oh yeah, and you pretend that you actually know the difference between rare and midrare (by the way, the cook hates you for those last things too).

I overheard a couple ladies (fatties, actually) on the bus talking about how little, if at all, they tip. They mentioned that servers made minimum wage just like everyone else. I suppose these women watched Reservoir Dogs one too many times. In actuality servers generally make $2.83 an hour because that is the minimum wage requirement for servers and it's that low because servers are supposed to make most of their money on tips. The minimum wage is set to cover the taxes on the tips they claim. Even if they did make the usual minimum wage it's only like $7.50 in Pennsylvania and it's impossible to live on that at 40 hours a week, you ignorant assholes (and I did use the word ignorant in the proper context), although the average server works way more than 40 hours a week, always on weekends and usually holidays.

So my advice to you fat bus ladies, get your ass out from that fucking desk and just try dealing with working in a fucking restaurant, you'll lose ten pounds I promise.

Also, here are some simple rules to follow when you next find yourself out to dinner:

1. Tip in cash and more than 15%
2. Be nice
3. Try to remember to ask for everything you need the first time around because you and your party aren't the only hungry people in the place.
4. The chef has a pretty complex palate and designed every dish the way a composer writes a symphony--you wouldn't ask a composer to remove the string section just because you didn't like violins right? In other words, unless you're allergic to a component--DON'T FUCK WITH IT
5. There is no point in ordering beef at any temperature above medium, beef at nice establishments is always safe...why would you order it at Eat 'n' Park anyway? That's where the real danger is.
6. The gluten allergy is a crock, get over yourself or just stay at home.
7. If you're a vegetarian/vegan/any special diet jerk, don't expect the entire menu to cater to your needs, again just stay at home, no one likes you anyway.
8. Eww, don't leave your snotty Kleenex lying around, put that in your pocket/purse and throw it away later, your server has to touch that, Typhoid Mary.
9. Don't snap your fingers or hold the bill in the air, asshole
10. Don't forget that the servers and cooks are people too, most of them are far more educated than you, most of them are working their way through college because their parents aren't rich.


Next time on HipsterKiller happy hour: My boss, a Haiku.

Ode to the Obese

Corpulent people really piss me off. You know the ones, taking up two seats on the bus, while you stand in the aisle after woriking a double shift in a 110 degree kitchen. What on Earth do they do for a living I wonder? Probably nothing, then--and this is my favorite part--they bitch about how hard it is to be them. They talk about the health problems they have and you have to use all the energy that remains in your body to supress the urge to say "It's because you're fat!" You're putting a burden upon healthcare and it's your own fault! Die already!" Of course I probably sound heartless, and I sort of am, mostly after work and on a bus. Honestly I have little pity, I abide by the five or less rule (walk up or down the stairs if it's five flights or less and you aren't running late) and I ignore that candy bar while I'm checking out at the grocery store. You know which candy bar I mean, the one that says "Look! Hey! I'm caramel, almond, peanut butter, and pretzel all covered in chocolate!!" At any rate, fuck you fatties!


At the same time, when in a better mood and well rested I feel sorry for them. I know that they're people all the same with feelings and they probably feel awful on the inside and don't want to be obese but don't really know what to do. I also understand that it's pretty hard to eat healthy, expensive too, I can only do it because I steal....kidding...actually because I'm a really smart shopper, I cook at home, and I read a lot about health and nutrition. I'm not trying to sound perfect but if the shoe fits...

Seriously though, to all you fat people out there just get out and walk. Your knees, back, and hips will magically feel better if you lose weight, it'll be rough but no pain no gain, son!

PS: Get out of that seat and stand in the fucking aisle.

Surviving the G20.

So, I work in downtown Pittsburgh, I do not have a car and am generally pretty effin' broke, but still I am not bothered by the G20 and the detours my buses will have to take to accommodate the gathering of rich politicians. This is because I understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and yes that's a qoute from a StarTrek movie, feck off!

I was walking about the city one day and saw a flyer with a picture of the PPG builiding (ya know, the pretty castle looking one) with a caption that was along the lines of "Yes! We want to see their palaces burn too!" This is totally ridiculous, do you morons even know what goes on in that building? You don't because you're idiot, tourist college kids getting your liberal arts degrees at Pitt and CMU.

Now everyone is freaking out because of the inconvienence of the gathering and the potential for excessive police force on protesters but I like to think of it this way, if there were no protesters being obnoxious there would be no force. Yes, protesters are the reason that this whole showdown is going to be a big mess, and everyone knows that protesters are just a bunch of bored college-aged Americans with yuppie parents paying for their education.
There have been times where protesting was totally understandable, such as the Vietnam War and Taxation Without Representation but the G20? Are you fucking serious? If everyone just minded their business and went about their days as usual then everything would be fine. The security perimeter isn't that large and the transportation solutions are pretty bearable considering how small downtown actually is.

Getting your panties in a bunch because of the small inconvienence that this meeting imposes for only a few days is considerably selfish, but what else would one expect from a bunch of spoiled, selfish, Americans with nothing better to do. Get over yourselves and grow up. You aren't actually protesting anything. You're abusing your right to peacefully assemble to protest a group of people who want to peacefully assemble? The protesters secretly hope for riots and uproar, how else are they going to feel as though they were truly part of something? They should just stay home so that security can focus on real potential threats and not bored American brats. Fucking hipsters.

Even the people protesting specific things such as the war in Iraq and Afghanistan are idiots because this is a meeting to come to terms with the world's problems and the majority of the politicians didn't want to go to war either. But you can't just pull out of a war in a few months just because a cabinent and regime change. Why don't you protest about the real problems in America, why don't you pay attention to the ways that the government is raping you of your rights on a daily basis, how the Constitution is being spat on regularly but no one notices because no one even knows the Constitution anymore. We don't need socialized healthcare, socialized government, media, or education. We need REFORM on all levels starting at home.

A purpose?

So, I'm not quite sure what my intent is in having a blog, I'm sort of a late bloomer in the whole fad anyway. I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to be the next "Pitt girl" even though I'm going to try to remain anonymous and I do live in Pittsburgh (incidentally most of my posts will be about life in this city). I think I'm just looking for a way to vent, so that I won't need an anxiety pill at the end of the day, hopefully this will help. I don't think anyone will actually be very interested in this, truth be told I think blogs are vain attempts at getting attention. I mean, why on earth should one think that anyone else should give a damn about what one thinks or feels about anything? Although given the popularity of "Pitt girl" I suppose some people are interested in the ramblings of another person, perhaps it makes them feel better and less alone.