United By Haircuts

Chapter One: Observations in the Hipster Culture


When you greet a hipster, or a group of hipsters, they will comment on first your hairstyle and how ironic and/or not ironic it is. Don’t worry if it doesn’t seem ironic to you, they always spin things to make them ironic in their own minds. They will then proceed to compare it to their own hairstyle and divulge what image they were going for when they chose it. Your new hipster friend will direct the conversation to the person who cut their hair, always calling their stylist by first name (and more commonly their pseudonym, kind of like DJs) and assure you that they will put a good word in so you can start getting your hair styled by a true hair genius.

Now on to your clothes, or “outfit,” your hipster will mention how classic, yet modern it is. How you seem to coordinate your wardrobe to best portray a statement that is progressive, yet vintage with a post-modern twist, making it truly ahead of its time. Confusing? Of course it is. Hipsters don’t make sense; they counter their lack of logic by calling it ironic. Irony is what the hipster culture revolves around, that and causes (we’ll get to that later). Irony and their misuse of it, which to them makes it ironic, except not. Still confused? Get used to it, my friend.

With that the conversation will turn toward which artistic direction they themselves were attempting to achieve with their own clothing statement. You see, everything in the life of a hipster is a statement, from their clothes to the way they walk, from their car to the way they decorate their homes. Everything is either a statement about the world or some sort of self-expression.

After said hipster explains his view on…well himself, he will begin talking about the amazing independently owned vintage thrift shops and organic clothing shops in the area. If you’re a hipster you absolutely cannot shop at a corporate department store. Department stores are considered evil because they are very monotonous in their selection, and as a hipster you must be different at all times. The only exceptions to the corporate rule are H&M and Urban Outfitters, because:
Urban Outfitters carries all the latest books and home accessories, as well as vintage looking clothing. They also supported Barack Obama (making them progressive) and are pretty opposed to the conservative, right-wing values of the average hipster’s parents.
H&M supplies hipsters with really cheap, really colorful clothing in many styles, making it easy to mix and match. They also carry “retro” looking band and cartoon shirts.

This entire conversation can only happen if your hairstyle and clothing meets their standard of individuality, artistic expression, and of course if it exhibits some level of irony. If not, said hipster(s), may pretend to hear what you’re saying but whilst you’re speaking they will only be thinking about how they’d like to be away from you because you couldn’t possibly fathom their creative and mental depth. If they say anything to you at all it would be in a very patronizing statement in a condescending tone.


After the visual part of the exam you can then move on to the most interesting subject in the life of a hipster. Themselves. They love to think and talk about how they feel, what they want, where they want to go, where they are currently are in their life, etc. If you stick to asking questions about the hipster you will always seem like a brilliant conversationalist and intellectual.

When you want to engage in further conversation with the hipster the foremost question you should ask is “Are you in school?” and if they say yes ask which one and what their major is, if they say no just ask the same question in past tense. Don’t worry about running into a hipster that never attended college after high school because there aren’t any. Hipsters always go to college, it’s the chrysalis that transforms a nerdy teenager into a hip, cool, and always different young adult. Their freshman year of college is always the most trying because they’ve yet to fall into right crowd, they usually spend it floating from clique to clique before finally embracing the hipster culture. Their sophomore year is when they really begin to emerge into themselves, it’s when they are shown the right music, shops, art, and lifestyles; usually by a hipster in his/her junior or senior year that takes them under their wing.

Once they inform you of their university you really can take the discussion to new levels. Most go to really expensive private universities, or the state or city’s best public one. Don’t ask how they’ve managed to pay for it, it’ll only make you upset because their education (as well as most of their belongings) is generally paid via daddy’s CD or the occasional IRA.

Stick to mentioning how beautiful the city or state they spent their first four years “on their own” is. They always agree and will go on and on about the local, organic, free-trade coffee shops and tea houses they spent their time studying in, and the parks that gave them inspiration for many poems and paintings, then about how they really became a local when they discovered the venues for the local music scene, a scene that nobody really appreciates the way it was meant to be. Nobody, except themselves, and maybe their closest friends.