Don't forget etiquette

Most of us, save perhaps agoraphobics, eat at restaurants. We are all familiar with our friendly server bustling about happily retrieving things at our whim.

News flash, your server hates you.

She/he hates you because you barely tip, you are rude, you are messy, you change menu items around to the point that they're a mere shadow of what they once were, oh yeah, and you pretend that you actually know the difference between rare and midrare (by the way, the cook hates you for those last things too).

I overheard a couple ladies (fatties, actually) on the bus talking about how little, if at all, they tip. They mentioned that servers made minimum wage just like everyone else. I suppose these women watched Reservoir Dogs one too many times. In actuality servers generally make $2.83 an hour because that is the minimum wage requirement for servers and it's that low because servers are supposed to make most of their money on tips. The minimum wage is set to cover the taxes on the tips they claim. Even if they did make the usual minimum wage it's only like $7.50 in Pennsylvania and it's impossible to live on that at 40 hours a week, you ignorant assholes (and I did use the word ignorant in the proper context), although the average server works way more than 40 hours a week, always on weekends and usually holidays.

So my advice to you fat bus ladies, get your ass out from that fucking desk and just try dealing with working in a fucking restaurant, you'll lose ten pounds I promise.

Also, here are some simple rules to follow when you next find yourself out to dinner:

1. Tip in cash and more than 15%
2. Be nice
3. Try to remember to ask for everything you need the first time around because you and your party aren't the only hungry people in the place.
4. The chef has a pretty complex palate and designed every dish the way a composer writes a symphony--you wouldn't ask a composer to remove the string section just because you didn't like violins right? In other words, unless you're allergic to a component--DON'T FUCK WITH IT
5. There is no point in ordering beef at any temperature above medium, beef at nice establishments is always safe...why would you order it at Eat 'n' Park anyway? That's where the real danger is.
6. The gluten allergy is a crock, get over yourself or just stay at home.
7. If you're a vegetarian/vegan/any special diet jerk, don't expect the entire menu to cater to your needs, again just stay at home, no one likes you anyway.
8. Eww, don't leave your snotty Kleenex lying around, put that in your pocket/purse and throw it away later, your server has to touch that, Typhoid Mary.
9. Don't snap your fingers or hold the bill in the air, asshole
10. Don't forget that the servers and cooks are people too, most of them are far more educated than you, most of them are working their way through college because their parents aren't rich.


Next time on HipsterKiller happy hour: My boss, a Haiku.